Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.