Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Liquor Store Parking

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth