Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive