Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions