Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
This made me smile…
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“What?”
– Jude
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I think my mom just blocked me
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually