Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”