Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

“Wait, let me explain..”

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

If a snake ate a cake

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal