me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM