me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Limited budget
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
a public service announcement
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no