Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.