Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?