Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
much to think about
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.