Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You Might Also Like
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
looks legit
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess