me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.