me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”