me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
