me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.