Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”