ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
When you let grandma cat sit
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot