ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.