me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me