me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.