Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Flock of bats
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
good news everyone
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.