Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Merry Christmas
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
#SCOTUS one-star review
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
