Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Finally!

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Worth the read.

🙄

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.