Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.