Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

This is the coolest video you will see today.