me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes