Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.