Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
Safety first
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
here we go again
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag