Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong