Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Did…did a minotaur write this
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Anime is real
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Well, shit
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.