Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Me as a therapist: omg same

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.