Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
i think both sides are to blame here
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.