Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

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Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don’t care if you have one.


It’s been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart.
I must be a freaking genius.


COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ


Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!


just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise


LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?


Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.


me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March


Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?


“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”