Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
You Might Also Like
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
