Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

this has done me in for some reason

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!