Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

What the hell is going on?

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!