Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
how it started vs how it ended
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me in tagged photos
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”