Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.