[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Cat.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.