Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.

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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8


Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”


Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.


*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh


Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like