Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.