Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Just how popey was the pope today?

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof