@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

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@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@aparnapkin

Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@Furry_Beaver

I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

@TheHyyyype

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*