Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You Might Also Like
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Hit me in the face with a bird
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
When news reporters do sports stories