#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Cop: Get out.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*