me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.