ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word