ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”