ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates