Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

i think both sides are to blame here

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.