Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m a bad influence on myself.