Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine