Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

The French cow says MEUX…

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer