Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.