Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’