Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

it must be school picture day

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*