Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OKAY DAD

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.