me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*exercises sarcastically*
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years