Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

“That’s what” – She

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.