Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

This headline is a thing of beauty

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Fruity

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.