Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro