Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own