Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.