ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that