ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You Might Also Like
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?