Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

ㅤ

incredible text to wake up to

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”