ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Dammit Chief not again
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Poetry is my passion
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.