me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.