Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.