Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

BETRAYAL

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.