Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

#JohnTravolta

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

A family that plays together cheats.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.