me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You Might Also Like
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.