Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Everything reminds me of my ex

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it