@WheelTod

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

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@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@RhiannonOcean

Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla

@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.