I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla
If two cannibals fight
Does that make it a food fight?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!